


Just Might Find 26

by helens78, Telesilla



Series: Just Might Find [30]
Category: Equilibrium (2002) RPF, Establishment RPF
Genre: BDSM, Friendship, M/M, The Establishment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-20
Updated: 2006-03-20
Packaged: 2017-10-05 18:30:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/44759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helens78/pseuds/helens78, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Telesilla/pseuds/Telesilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sean has a conversation with a good friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Might Find 26

"Hey," Carrie-Anne calls out when she sees Sean in the door way of the co-ed dressing rooms. "I just worked my ass off in the Pilates class and then did a half an hour in the pool," she adds, coming up and giving him a hug. "I could really stand to relax in the sauna now. Wanna join me? If not we can just go sit in one of the hot tubs."

"The sauna sounds great," Sean says, hugging Carrie-Anne back and then looking down at her. There's... _more_ of her, at least in the chest area, than he's accustomed to, and he blinks. "Wow," he says. _Well, of course, she just had a baby. This happens._ He laughs at himself. "Sorry. Reflex male reaction."

Although she tries to look stern, she can't hold the expression for more than a second. "Jason's exactly the same way," she says with a laugh. "And even Liam can't keep his hands to himself." She looks him over, noting the healing cuts on his thighs and the various bruises and bite marks on his neck. "You look well used."

"We were celebrating the start of our two-year contract," Sean explains, grinning all over again. "I've got some gossip about that if you want it. Shall we head for the sauna?"

"Sure," she says with a smile. "I'm glad you're so happy with him. You look good, and I don't just mean the marks and collar." Grabbing a towel from a nearby pile and a bottle of water from the cooler, she heads toward one of the smaller saunas. "Here's a free one."

Sean heads inside with her and stretches out across one of the benches. "It's amazing what six months with the right person will do for your whole bloody outlook on life. I'm so damned happy I can't see straight half the time. Don't have the faintest idea where I'd be without him right now, and I don't know if I want to know."

She can't help smiling a small smile at that, even as she worries. One on hand it's marvelous to see Sean so happy again. On the other hand.... _He's falling in love **again** and while Bill's one hell of a nice guy, is this one gonna last any longer than the other ones did?_

"It's good to see you smile," she says, and that much is the truth.

"Thank you," Sean murmurs. He sighs softly and closes his eyes. "I spent this whole last scene with him trying not to say something because..." He frowns. "For a lot of reasons. And I don't know what the hell to do with myself."

"Do you have any idea if he feels the same way?" She can't really imagine Bill being head over heels in love. _But you never know; he could be. I hope so; it's hard to watch a friend deal with unrequited love._

"I don't even know how _I'm_ feeling," Sean says. "It could have been the scene. The day. I could be making more of this than I ought to be."

"Is that what you really think?" Carrie-Anne says.

"No," Sean admits softly, "but I don't think I've fallen in love with him yet, either. I think I could, though. I think I probably will, given enough time, and two years... two years is plenty."

"I think that's a good way to look at it," she says, taking a drink out of her bottle. "You've got a set period of time that you _know_ you'll spend together, so why not give yourself time to really figure out how you feel?"

"There's that," Sean agrees. "But I don't want to wait too long, either. There's a point where you can't say it anymore..." His voice trails off, but he knows he doesn't have to explain who he's talking about.

"I don't think there was a point during that whole year," she says, "or even after, where either of you couldn't have said it and changed things."

"Maybe not. But I don't think either of us is wishing things were different anymore," Sean murmurs.

"No," she replies with a laugh. "And neither am I, Goober."

Sean glances up at her and grins. "I wouldn't think," he says. "Part of me feels stupid even thinking about falling in love again. I keep thinking it'd be a waste of what's been such a good fucking relationship so far, because God knows it never seems to last with me." He winces, not smiling anymore by the end of it.

"Would you, now knowing what you know now, have those relationships? Were they ... valuable to you in someway?" She knows she sounds like a therapist but it's a good questions and she can't deny that she's asking as much to satisfy her own curiosity as to help him.

"Everything's valuable," Sean says automatically. But this is Carrie-Anne he's talking to, and there's no one else to overhear. "There's a lot I'd have done differently."

"Every time I think that," Carrie-Anne says, "I find myself realizing that every thing I've done has led me here and that if I did things differently I might not be where I am." She ducks her head a little. "I know, it's kind of New Agey of me."

"For me it's almost the opposite. I tend to think I'd have ended up where I am somehow -- after leaving Los Angeles I ended up right where I started in spring of '03 when I got involved with Viggo."

"Do you really think you took nothing away from your time with Viggo?" Carrie-Anne tries not to look too surprised, she's only been Viggo's friend for two years but she can't imagine knowing him and not having been changed in some way.

"I left a lot behind for Viggo. People, things, that I shouldn't have. I have more regrets there than I'd like."

"Yes you did," she says, knowing that she and Liam and possibly even Jason, are people Sean thinks he left behind. "But...." She shakes her head. "Just a different way of looking at things I guess."

"Yeah," Sean murmurs. He groans and drags his arm over his eyes. "There was so much with Viggo I was blind to, things he needed that I never understood. With David, I don't think I ever knew what he wanted with me. I think maybe I made him feel needed for a while, when I was broken to pieces over Viggo, but that wasn't going to last forever. We both started finding things in other people, and by the end of it... I kept wondering why he was there. What he wanted with me. If the reasons I wanted him once I didn't feel so broken were good enough to compete with someone who was making him feel like the bloody stars caught fire whenever he was nearby."

"I'm so sorry that you went through that, that you were never sure of him," she says, reaching out to grip his hand. "But you know, no matter how you got here or if you have regrets about the past, you do have something really good. I can tell it just by looking at you, and I don't mean your marks."

Sean threads his fingers through Carrie-Anne's and squeezes. "It's _so_ fucking good with him," he says, rolling onto his side to look at her. "I don't wonder about _anything_. He cares for me. He makes me feel safe. I trust him with everything. I know why he wants me, I know why he likes me, I can tell he enjoys my company, God, the man _appreciates_ me." Sean's throat and chest feel tight just saying all of this; he has to take a breath before he goes on. "I don't doubt anything with him. Not even myself. Not after the months we've been together."

"Sounds damn good to me," Carrie-Anne says, smiling a little at the way he sounds. "Is it the contract, do you think? You two got together and had this contract without saying anything about love. It's like you started with seeing if you were able to live together and have good sex _before_ love entered the question."

"Yeah, it's exactly like that," Sean says, blinking and smiling. "Never thought about it like that, but that describes it well. It takes a hell of a lot of pressure off for me, at least. I don't have to worry about whether it's really working or if he's just saying that it is because he doesn't want to fuck up the relationship, or if he's just waiting for the right opportunity to have me switch up. It's a relationship I can take at face value, and that means a lot right now."

"I can really see the advantage," Carrie-Anne says. "Rather like arranged marriages where love didn't enter into it. But unlike those, you already know that you're sexually compatible."

"Don't say the word 'marriage'," Sean groans. "There's probably a betting pool on how long it'll take before Bill's the third Mr. Bean."

"Not that I've heard," Carrie-Anne says, "but then I don't get as much gossip as I used to. I'm not making that assumption and neither are the guys, if it helps."

"Somewhat," Sean admits. He sighs. "I'm thinking about all this too hard. It's just not easy putting it aside when you have a gorgeous scene with your master and every ten minutes you have to bite your tongue or else tell him _I love you_."

"Do you think things will change if you say it?" she asks.

"I'm afraid they might. They always seem to." Sean winces. "I don't know how he'd take it. I don't know if I'm ready to say it and not have him say it back."

"That's a hard place to be in," Carrie-Anne says, squeezing his fingers. "Will you be alright?"

"I'll be fine," Sean says. "More than anything, I just needed to tell _someone_ so I'd have someone to kick me if it starts to look as though I'm waiting _too_ long. And I figure you wouldn't take much convincing on the job..."

"Me?" Carrie-Anne says, trying to look innocent. "Would I kick you?"

"Why else would you have all those boots?" Sean asks, grinning.

"For boys like you to lick," she says, looking down her nose at him.

Sean goes bright red and has to reach down and adjust his towel. "I need permission," he says. "It's a short leash I'm on these days, not that I'm minding it at all."

"It was a joke," Carrie-Anne says with a laugh. "And you know it. If I really wanted anything like that, I'd ask Bill first."

"I know," Sean says, relaxing and sinking back into the bench, stretching his arms out over his head as the blush dies down somewhat. "I worry about that sometimes -- I know how much the mouth limit bothered people both times I did it, and for me, being under contract, having a leash this short, it's a hell of a lot more restrictive, so I worry that it's going to bother you."

"Do you even want to scene with anyone else?" Carrie-Anne asks. She wouldn't mind doing a scene with Sean, now that she's finally able to play hard again, but she wonders if he'd even be interested. "I know you said that you're both pretty exclusive."

"Do I want to -- sure, the way anyone wants to. It's not something I feel compelled to _act_ on anymore, but there are always going to be people that push buttons for me. I imagine it's the same for him, that there are going to be people he wants to see on their knees. As long as he doesn't decide he wants to put someone twenty years younger than me under contract, I can't imagine that becoming a problem, but if you'd asked me in May I wouldn't have taken to the idea much at all. I'm getting a little more confident that he's not going to decide I'm too old or too boring or too serious about all this." Sean's lips curve up at the corners. "Particularly that last."

"Could someone be too serious for Bill?" Carrie-Anne asks. "Because, man, he's pretty damn hardcore."

"He is that," Sean says, and he's got a feeling the look on his face mirrors that smug look Bill's always carrying around with him these days. "I love that, though. Sometimes I feel as if I've been chasing after that for _years_." He rolls his eyes at himself. "And then sometimes I wonder if I've been looking for that because it's a deep commitment that seems safe -- it doesn't have to be about the emotions behind it, it can just be about connecting to someone and being committed to him and not worrying that you're going to fuck it all up when your emotions stop being something you can control."

"That makes sense," she says with a nod. "And you know there's nothing wrong at all in wanting something safe. It sounds terribly unromantic when you're 20 but later on ... I think there's a lot to be said for it. Even if it's just that you have a safe space to develop your emotions, or that you finally realize it's safe to admit to having them. If that makes sense."

"It does make sense. I think that's something David never understood about me. I said once that my feelings for him were all about contentment and security whereas Harry was about unhealthy passion, obsession, and that was one reason I was willing to walk away from Harry -- it felt as if I needed to make a choice, and I wanted the man I could rely on, the one who made me feel safe. The one I always felt secure with." He makes a face. "Which probably goes to show how blind I was about David, but that's neither here nor there anymore. Being safe _matters_. And I do feel safe with Bill. Safe enough to stay even if staying means that falling for him is an inevitability instead of just something that's possible."

"I'm so happy for you," Carrie-Anne says, giving him a quick and sweaty hug. "And I'm so glad you'll be here in London for a good long time. I feel like I've spent too much of our friendship missing you." She pauses and then continues. "Liam misses you too, but not the way he used to. He misses his friend."

"I'm glad to be back," Sean says softly. "Glad you don't have to miss me anymore, that I don't have to miss you, either. And I'm glad Liam feels that way. I miss him that way, too."

"Mind you," she says with a little grin, "if your Master ever wants to see you with a woman...."

"Wonder what he'd think of me getting a beating from a woman," Sean says, grinning broadly. "I wonder whether he'd get off on watching me get hurt. Probably not as much as he does when he's hurting me himself, but..."

"Oh I think that might be ... well you know," she grins more broadly now. "Really fucking hot."

"I'll talk to Master about it," Sean says, grinning right back.

"And I'll talk to mine," she grins. "Because I think that falls into the category of things I discuss with Master, not Liam."

"I take it you're feeling good about playing rough again?" Sean asks. "More than ready to be back at the club?"

"Oh hell yeah," she says. "I've mostly been topping. I've even got a really good idea for Liam. Did you ever do...mock punishment scenes with him?"

"With Liam? No," Sean says, shaking his head. "It didn't seem to fit for us, especially not in those days. What have you got in mind?"

"A bit of role-playing," she says. "The Victorian mistress and her gardener." Suddenly realizing who she's talking to, Carrie-Anne laughs. "Only she's a little more in charge than Lady Chatterley."

"Lady Chatterley could've had her gardener pinned under her foot if she'd been wearing the right boots," Sean says, only a little wistfully. "It sounds brilliant, though. Have you talked to him about it at all?"

"I'm boggling a little at the idea of Joely having _anyone_ under her foot, boots or not," Carrie-Anne says with a slight smirk. "And we've only vaguely talked about me topping him in some kind of role play thing. I thought I'd send him a note or something, once I had it all figured out and had my costume and stuff ready."

"Sounds like it could work well," Sean says. "Roleplay's always fun, and I can imagine him enjoying that one. Are you thinking you'd talk to him about it at all beforehand or would the note be the first hint at it?"

'Oh I'll want to talk a little," Carrie-Anne says, ducking her head. "I'm not so secure yet that I can just say 'do this when I tell you to.' I'm fine once we get going, though. It's like flipping a switch. Um...pun intended."

"It's nice that you're confident enough to think up a scene like this, though," Sean points out, "or maybe 'nice' isn't the right word exactly -- it says a lot about where you are, and where your head is when it comes to him, and I'm glad for you."

"Thank you," she says, smiling. "That means a lot coming from you."

Sean sits up again and moves closer so he can give Carrie-Anne another hug. "It's getting hard to believe so much has happened in the last two years. We're none of us where we were back then, are we? Even me."

"God no," she says and then does a double take as his towel slips and she sees his tattoo. Or rather what used to be his tattoo. "What's up with ... oh you're having it removed?'

Sean reaches behind himself, fingers moving to the spot at the small of his back where the gecko's looking spotty nowadays. "It looks bad, doesn't it?" he asks, grimacing. "I have my next appointment with the lasers next week. It'll probably take another session or two after that."

A little unsure of what to say, Carrie-Anne settles on the practical. "Does it itch?" She remembers how close she came to getting a tattoo when she was with Amy and how glad she was that she never got it. _If I'd felt strongly enough to get it, would I still want it gone?_ The answer is yes, but she had had no idea that Sean felt that way about his time with Viggo. _How sad for them both._

"It only itched for a couple of days after the first session," Sean says. "Felt a lot like sunburn, and it didn't hurt much at all. And it wasn't the good kind of pain." He grins a little. "It's not a place that sees a lot of play. Part of me wonders what Bill thinks of it, because if anyone's got the vantage point to notice a change, it's him, but... I don't really want to ask. He was very understanding about my wanting to have it removed, which is as much talking about it as I really wanted to do."

"Well hopefully it won't scar up too much," she says, mopping at her face with her towel. "You want to get out of here? I think I'm about to melt. How about we shower and have lunch, if you're not busy or needed at the moment."

"That sounds good," Sean says. "I've got time for lunch, but let me go ahead and call Bill and let him know where I am."

"Okay," she says, as they leave the sauna. "I'll meet you in the restaurant in about 20 minutes." She smiles as she heads for the showers. _It's so good to see that smile on his face. God, I hope this one works out for him._

_-end-_

**Author's Note:**

> There's a lot of stuff in here that applies to both Sean and Carrie-Anne's Establishment backstory. Hopefully the conversation makes sense; we wanted to include it in the arc because there's a lot here about how Sean feels about Bill. For more about how Carrie-Anne, her two men and Sean all fit together, see the [Character List.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/44660)


End file.
